i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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