By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
