Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
