u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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