you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
