Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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