I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Screwed.edu
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
