at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
