I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
