I wanna passion pit in your ass
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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