Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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