8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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