my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
