He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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