So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
