Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's the barista slut.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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