It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
