I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.