My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?