I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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