They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
