I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
