Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
