He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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