Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
