Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
