One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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