hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
