Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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