a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
