They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How does one acquire holy water?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
