i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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