Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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