I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
