STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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