if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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