My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
