Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
