And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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