the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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