Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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