there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
