i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
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If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
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I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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