I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
