I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
