i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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