I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
