Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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