my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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