True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
