that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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