I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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