Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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