Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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