remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
