i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
