Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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