i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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