I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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